Tuesday, January 29, 2008

Dialogue concerning construction of a cheese wedge

Leadenhall buildingRichard Rogers: Hello - can I speak to Charles please?

Office assistant: (may be male or female - let's not make an ass out of you and me here) I'll just get...

(Charles William Bovis Jr. gesticulates wildly for the office assistant not to reveal he's there)

Office assistant: (Not making any effort to conceal their voice from the man on the phone) But I've already started to tell him I'll get you.

(Bovis comes over and, looking daggers over at his assistant, takes the receiver from her)

Bovis: Richard... Hi! Good to hear from you.

Rogers: Hi, Charles. Listen, I'm glad I caught you because I...

Bovis: How's it hangin' Richie?

Rogers: Fine, but I don't have time to chat... I...

Bovis: How is me old mugger, eh?

Rogers: I'm very well, I told you... but about this...

Bovis: And Mary... and the kids? Are they well?

Rogers: Yes! Now, listen here Charles. If I didn't know any better I'd say...

Bovis: How old are they n....

Rogers: ...I'd say you were trying to avoid me.

Bovis: (Aghast) Well there's no need to interrupt. Why would I be trying to avoid you.

Rogers: Well, it's the construction of the Leadenhall Building,

Bovis: The what, now?

Rogers: The Leadenhall Building.

Bovis: Huh?

Rogers: (Pained) The Cheesegrater

Bovis: Oh - well why didn't you say so. Yeah, the horny dildo-wedge. What of it?

Rogers: Well, I couldn't help noticing that that... that... that ugly carbuncle of a building that used to occupy the space where it's supposed to go... well... it didn't "used" to occupy the land; it still very much does occupy the land.

Bovis: Ah yes. Right you are, my friend, right you are. Still there it is. As sure as eggs came before the chicken, there it is.

Rogers: Well, I wouldn't bring it up really... only I notice that you've had that bit hovering up there since at least May.

Bovis: Absolutely - can't rush these things you know.

Rogers: But, I was strolling round the Heron Tower the other day. They only started knocking it down... well, it seems like just the other day, and already it's cleared.

Bovis: Ah yes, but they didn't have any problems with the... with the - don't tell the papers, mind - with the old curse

Rogers: What - asbestos?

Bovis: No! The old, err, Indian burial ground.

Rogers: There's an Indian burial ground?

Bovis: Yep.

Rogers: Are there Indian burial grounds in the UK?

Bovis: This one 'ere is.

Rogers: Well, i rather wish someone had told me... before I started work on this project.

Bovis: Ah - that'll be the curse already taking effect. A pre-emptive strike if you will

Rogers: I'm sorry?

Bovis: Started to give you bad luck before you started work here.

Rogers: (After thinking for a second) But if it wasn't for the bad luck of not knowing about the burial ground I wouldn't have started working here, and wouldn't have disturbed the ground, and there'd be need for the curse to take effect in the first place. It's like the chicken/egg thing.

Bovis: Huh?

Rogers. Don't you see?! It's a rather counter-productive curse that aids and abets the very thing it's set up to prevent.

Bovis: Ah - but it's a very self-loathing Indian burial ground. Very low self-esteem. Was taken into care and then sold into foundations by its foster parents. Tragic tale.

Rogers: Oh, I'm sorry to hear it.

Bovis: You're sorry! think how I feel having to make all this up!

Rogers: Quite, quite right. I really am very sorry to bother you.

Bovis: That's OK Mr. R. You mind how you go now.

Rogers: I will do indeed. Goodbye.

Bovis: Bye Mr. R. My love to Mary.

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