Sunday, January 21, 2007

Full on assault on the Willis Builidng

The title has a double meaning. You'll see.

Willis building looking up
During December I explored the skyscraper forums a bit. I've decided to postpone contributing as I have written one or two posts taking the piss out of what gets written there. But looking on the forums did point out to me - like it needed pointing out - that the Willis building has more than one side. It should be noted that some buildings are just a facade: in Wrexham in the nineties they knocked down some buildings (which look like the Rows in Chester (but were, by all accounts, more authentic, the Chester variety being a mere Victorian replica of Tudor houses))... knocked them down, but kept just the facade for years. No idea why. Eventually knocked it down to make way for TK-Maxx. TK-Maxx have no need for timber frames - they're all about "famous brands and well known names, always up to 60% less than the high street" and superfluous consonants.

A song by Smog called "I feel like the mother of the world" has just started to play. It's quite beautiful. A thoughtful protest song with a great extended metaphor about children sharing a bath. I'll try uploading it during the course of writing, and will link to it if it happens in time.

Yes -I realised I hadn't explored all facets of the Willis Building so decided to carry out a full assault (#1) on the building. Here's my debrief report:

  • The approach was blocked by fierce resistance from the Lloyds Building. This resistance was not, however, unsurmountable. Thanks to modern digital technology no lives films were lost;
  • Were able to proceed onwards to Willis Building where evidence of continued (but limited) structural work consistent with development of a nuclear turd arms programme was found (see Fig. 1). Corporal Davies noted the nice lighting: recommend he be subjected to sexual reorientation treatment.

    Willis BuildingWillis Building 14/01/07
    Fig. 1

  • Corporal Edwards noted that the Gherkin was prettily lit too. Worries of homosexual tendencies allayed somewhat by his explaining that by 'prettily' he meant strange, because the lights in the bottom right don't flicker to the naked eye, but do when you make a video. This evidence of Willis technology being far superior to what was previously thought. May be only weks away from developing electronic calculator capabilities. Recommend Edwards for promotion and Khyber technologists medal.
  • Willis building appears to be gradually filled with strands of DNA. Difficult to believe, but by process of elimination have determined that it is the only explanation for this picture.
  • Major conclusion of the reconaissance is that attack from the East is far preferable to attack from the West, owing to corrugation completely obscuring line of sight to the East from within the building:
    Willis building showing windowsWillis building hiding windows

  • Evidence to suggest the building incorporates a launch pad for manned intercontinental ballistic missiles. Manned!!! These people are monsters.
  • Large, relatively low-rise circular building to rear could be a car park, a nuclear reactor or an iMax cinema. More likely it is a vat for boiling and torturing prisoners. One thing's for sure; we made a narrow escape. And it's got flatter corrugations, which all point anti-clockwise - for this reason line of attack should be limited to North East. That's two things for sure; lucky escape and flatter corrugation. Two things.
  • Blimey! they have a sophisticated propaganda machine which produces a defamatory newsletter called the limey.
  • Nearby buildings are clad in brown stuff to protect them from building work and radiation.
  • Architect's blueprints show the terrible vision for this facility. Reconnaisance photographs show that, thankfully, work is still some way off completion.
  • Ignore all preceding statements. Turns out they're one of us.
Request leave to climb Parliament Hill, Sah!

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